Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
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Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms