The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
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5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.