#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
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My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy