Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
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“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
That’s it.I’m out.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M