*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
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Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}