‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
You Might Also Like
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Me *on the phone*: Yeah it’s just an annual check up.
My 8 year old bursting into the room: OMG I DON’T WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A SHOT!!
*hyperventilates*
*vomits*
Me: It’s for the dog.
8: Oh. Can I have a snack?
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok