Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
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[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.