[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.