Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
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Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.