My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
saving face 👀
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Today is Star Wars Day, which means we should all reflect on a simpler time in our lives, when Harrison Ford didn’t have an earring.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx