gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
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Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.