I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Customer is always right
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer