accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
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me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Based Erika
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”