No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
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My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.