Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
nothing saves money like being antisocial
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I think about this a lot
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Holy shit he’s back
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”