I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
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“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Before & after 😅
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete