Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
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After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter: