Beware of the dog..
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My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”