My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in