My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.