Funny women are smart. Be careful.
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“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”