I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
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Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
the official breakfast of 2021
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Science memes
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
i prefer mine room temperature.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks