My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
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Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
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