BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.