Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
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[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.