“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
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most whales are bigger than a strawberry
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone’s feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I’m blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won’t stop staring at me help
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I get distracted pretty eas
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
Are you a cat person or a person person?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.