I’m aging like a fine banana
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My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly