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Life with a cat in one tweet
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.