boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
You Might Also Like
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
secret recipe
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Brilliant!
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”