The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
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I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Mom! Don’t worry, but there’s a spider over here. Don’t come over. And don’t worry, it’s not big but it’s actually huge so maybe stay away.
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
life finds a way
I’m giving up for Lent.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.