I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
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[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Anime is real
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!