Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
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I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.