People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
You Might Also Like
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot