Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
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America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer