This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
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JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger