The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
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“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.