Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
You Might Also Like
you gotta be faster
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
The Book. The Movie.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.