[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
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I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids: