Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
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[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
? 💀
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
pat pat
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help