Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
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My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july