In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
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This could’ve been an email.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.