Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
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Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.