After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
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I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.