16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
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ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”