[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
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If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.