About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
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ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.