Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
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I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join Tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane