Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
I am also baked goods
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*