Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
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My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”