Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
You Might Also Like
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there